onii-kun called today, just to talk. i wonder why he called..... it seems so unfamiliar, as if we're both trying so hard, but neither of us quite being able to reach out. i talked his ear of today, just going on and on about anything i could get my mind on. acted like the happy boy that i wasn't. he just sat and listened to me, probably thinking it inane........

i wanted to tell him about receptacle, how i started an online journal. but then again, would this be so open then? i couldn't bring myself to do it, for some reason. maybe i forgot. maybe i still am not able to take down my barriers.......

why does it have to be so difficult? i know he wants exactly what i want, but both of us are too shy to say it right out, to bare our feelings to the other. i've been an only child for so long.....

i want to tell him my deepest feelings. i want to tell him my troubles and not be concerned about what he'd think, or how it may ruin whatever has started already. i want to laugh with him, rejoice in his triumphs. i want to see the world through his eyes. i want to be able to feel happiness, not regret, pass between us whenever we look at each other.

i'm sorry i'm not better at this, onii-kun..........

i am cold. my fingers are stiff, and typing is difficult. i shiver. i cannot feel my right arm or my happiness. why do we roam this earth? what's it all for? where do all these things come from, and where do they go?

our lives gain worth through experience. we are enriched with each soul we touch. the goal is not to break down the barriers between souls that we build, but to see over them, to understand completely what is on the other side of the wall.

so why must pain be so prevalent? why must it be so necessary?

you're a good guy.

i'll be the kira to your setsuna.

i'm bored. i have a cs assignment due in 28 hours, but i don't feel like reading cs. my angel has fallen into a deep coma and i have no way to bring her back. all i can do is sit by her bed and plead with her to come back to me. i don't think that i could live my life without her, without being able to create beauty in this world. i plunge my hands into that fountain to drink the cool waters of creativity, but all i get is barren sand.

the feeling of being without direction is familiar. i am adrift on the tides of life. i always have been, and perhaps always will be. i have neither map nor compass, and nowhere to go anyway. but....when my grey-eyed muse whispers in my ear, i feel like i have something to clutch to my heart, some hope to cling to, to keep me afloat on this perilous voyage........

Raging Aardvark: ~_^
sibyleris: if you could make that face i'd be forevermore your slave

Yangsome: Did you know that mac and cheese, with parm flavoured goldfish is yum?

wahoo! i shot 209 out of a possible 300 points in archery today! go me!

but the blind will lead the blind, and we'll find ourselves out of the storm. cuz goddamnit, you don't need sight to tell whether it's raining or not.

okay. i'm rather miffed. someone got gum on our carpet! gum!!! that's the bane of all carpets! damnit! and it's where jeff was sitting! grrr!!! scrape the damn gum off your shoes before you come in!!!

*sigh* at least it was nice-smelling mint gum......

all right! after hours of tweaking the damn code, a safer haven is finally up! woohoo! check it every so often, but not too often, cuz my muse isn't quite as prolific as it should be, the lazy bum.

"sometimes, i just need to hear the words......."
— from Asylum

the world won't ever be perfect again. as we grew up it was shattered into a million pieces, and we're standing here looking at ourselves in them

silverstar wish: and i eat :]
silverstar wish: its the best therapy
silverstar wish: it can't talk back.
silverstar wish: and it tastes good :]

thanks, rose.

"Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep"

"Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Just easier than dealing with the pain"

— Soul Asylum, from Runaway Train

save me......

too much for me to handle.......

i'm spending more and more time in my personal asylum.......

i can scream there and no one can hear me. i can laugh bitter tears at the white padding on the walls and no one will care. i can bleed scarlet pentagrams on the floors and summon the most fearsome demons of my mind to devour me, and no one will interfere.

AND I LIKE IT!!!

if i drank, i would be drinking now.
if i smoked, i would i be smoking now.
if i shot up, i would be shooting up now.

"I've had enough of the world...."
— Incubus, from Pardon Me

sometimes, i wish the world would just go away. i'm about ready to SCREAM with the shit that this world gives me. just scream and scream until all the frustration, all the anger, all the goddamn emotion drains out of me and i'm just left as a dried husk to be once again blown about on the wind.

i took a fifteen minute nap after the call to try to get away from it all. in that state between sleep and waking, there was a time when i couldn't feel myself. as if i were disconnected from it, floating above my numb shell of a body.

god, i wish i could go back to that.....

i am terrified of these anthrax scares. i have a sore throat. O_O;;;

okay, the link to a safer haven will work if ever blogger decides to send me my stupid invite to the goddamn blog!

130. it takes so much longer to shampoo, condition, dry, and comb long hair than it does to shampoo and run a your fingers through short hair.

i had a dream last night. i got my music exam back, the one that consisted of recognizing which notes were where on the musical staff, and transfering notes to tabulature, and identifying key signature, etc. i failed it miserably.

*sigh*.......

Boggboy: heh heh. Man, if you ever got a girlfriend, you'd have a field day.

"God, I've wanted his approval for so long..."
— from Asylum

"I stay up all night every night now, for months. After the sun has come up, a few
hours later I feel okay to drift off into those little slices of death we call sleep."
— L0cke, from POOPOO

omg thank you kevin you made my day! i couldn't stop laughing when i tried this. i'm STILL laughing. and they say i'm easily amused.....

but how are you supposed to get your finger back? T_T;;;;

took out all the comic strips i had in my [destinations] section and put them in their own section. yay. look at me, i can pretend i know what all this code means.

by far the most offensive online strip i've ever seen. ^_^

1230. writer's block. walk over to vijay's room and watch him fold laundry. check everyone else's blogs again in hopes of recent posts. nothing. listen to my roommate and his friend talk about the wtc towers collapsing. damn.