all right, kids! it's time for patrick's bad poetry corner again! yayyyy!!!

postal: a haiku
rob has a new cell
had JMC not fucked up
i would have one, too

"Novocaine for the soul
You'd better give me something to fill the hole
Before I sputter out"
— The Eels, from Novacaine For The Soul

"i can't believe i finally found
the prisoner the free man were all in my mind
...
i can't believe my core was shaken
i gave up the ghost of everything i was before
...
i can't believe my dream is over
i woke up this morning with nothing but light in my eyes"

— Live, from Call Me A Fool

god, this is hard.

today....today is better, a bit. still, the drugs are still coursing through my system. my perceptions are skewed. the tiniest things make me skitter away for cover. innocuous comments take on accusatory undertones. previously unlabeled jars pop up suddenly in front of me with terrible warnings of impending doom. everything seems so out of proportion. and the damn evangelists won't shut up on the fucking PA system.

i think the jars are the worst. my personal FDA is haunting me to the ends of the earth. that's what it all is, really. the FDA. if it weren't for them, my perceptions wouldn't be so out of whack. the FDA is what sent the evangelists, too. all of them, even my dear old dad. but they won't get me to hate him, no they won't. one of these days, i'm going to march up capital hill and bust through the FDA headquarters matrix-style and give them a run for their fucking money. we'll see who's laughing then, eh?

but till then, we'll take the punches every day.

i woke up yesterday brooding. that's really not good for me, but it happened anyway. plus, i'm going to be brooding over it some time or another. *sigh* i guess it's pretty apparent to the guys, who see me all the time. even though i'm usually rather down, they can still tell. especially when i very bluntly hint at robert that i need to talk. i guess i shouldn't have kept him waiting then, but hell, there really wasn't enough time until after our classes.

*sigh*.....i'm sure this will all work out in the end. someday.....

not a single person arrived at the meeting today, and only five officers. that's good, cuz we didn't send out an email saying that there wouldn't be a meeting. we sent lottie away immediately, and tried to do the same with wilson, but he decided to stay and hang with me and teresa and robert anyway. i guess i wasn't very good company, but the three of them managed to have a good time without me.

midnight. we're out on sixth street. there certainly were some interesting costumes. optimus prime was there. lotsa people in black. a few bin ladens with bullets or rockets in them. still, i don't really think it was worth trekking all the way down to sixth street for. perhaps it was the company i kept that made it worth it. still, i don't think i'll ever forget my halloween on a blue moon.....

is this my personal jubjub bird? the jaws bite, all right, and the claws do catch. but i have neither tumtum tree to offer me rest, nor vorpal blade to offer me defense. and on that frabjous day that i finally defeat the jabberwock and come galumphing back with its head, will my family or friends cry callooh, callay? i wish i knew.....

"We'll live our lives
We'll take the punches everyday
We'll live our lives
I know we're gonna find our way"
— The Calling, from Stigmatized

up and down, up and down. over the weekend i was bouncing off the walls. monday i was depressed. yesterday i was happy again. today? today the doubts have returned. i feel like a dead goat. *sigh*.......

jen and i spent forever laughing about inane things. like how she's a brad pitt groupie. and i am NOT a prettyboy! *petulant look* and this quotation, which i took out of context and plopped into our conversation:

Raging Aardvark: heh....i tried to do twinkle twinkle little star, turned out to sound something like a goat dying
CySsTcaS: meehhhhh....*gack*

in an extremely one-sided conversation between robert and myself, i have decided to name my stuffed freud "ziggy."

lunchtime. a break from cramming. i empty a packet of ramen into a bowl and set some water to boil. toss some dried tofu and pepper chicken stir fry in the bowl, and pour some milk. man, this is good stuff.

rob ims me. he got raped by his exam. i'm probably going to completely bomb my cal exam, too, but i'm feeling pretty good regardless. tired, though. even though i overslept by an hour, i only got four hours of sleep last night. i suppose it was foolish of me to stay up late last night talking to michael when i had an exam looming over my shoulder, but hell, it was worth it.

my stuffed freud has taken to sitting in a position that suggests being highly intoxicated. ^_^

from rosenquist's profile:

"You learn something new every day, especially if you frequently completely forget things and then hear about them again."

story of my life......

woke up today feeling pretty good, i guess. extremely good, if you take into consideration the fact that i have a test at 330 and i've barely began to study for it. i think that this last trip back to houston has been pivotal. maybe i should go back to houston more often. i had a really good time. i got to see a lot of cool people, met a lot of cool people as well. changed the way i think, really.

there were so many people concerned about me yesterday. i'm blessed with such good friends. words can't express how grateful i am for all of you. i just had something on my mind, which i had to get off my chest, to tell someone. michael finally sat me down late at night and beat it out of me. so i guess i'm free to bask in the glow of the weekend again. ^_^

thanks, mike. i think i DO start to feel a bit more optimistic now. there's hope for me yet, i swear. thanks for listening to me, for not judging, for walking me through this. maybe, just maybe, it'll turn out in a way i could only hope.

why was i pissed off today? i dunno. cuz i needed a friend but didn't want a friend. cuz i hated being uncertain. cuz the fog is so thick that i can't even tell when i come to a crossroads.

why was i sad today? i dunno. cuz i wanted a friend but was too afraid to ask. cuz doubt and fear reclaimed their seats. cuz i don't want things to be the way they are, but am powerless to change them.

robert just logged off. he's probably the first one today who asked me if i was okay. i told him i didn't want to talk about it. that i wanted to think on it myself for a while. but i don't know what the hell i want anymore. i'm sitting here desperately reaching out for someone, anyone, but shying away at the last moment.

damnit....i don't want to feel like this anymore.

"And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to"

— Linkin Park, from My December

"I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies"

— Linkin Park, from Runaway

i want clarity in my life. i want to know what the hell's going on. i want to stop doubting everything i do, everything i feel, everything i DON'T feel. which is real? or perhaps a better question is, which is MORE real? which should i trust? where should i turn?

FUCK!

i found a crumpled emotion in my pocket saturday, but now i forgot where i put it......

looking through my old photo album, i found a picture that i've always liked. sasha and i are running with a kid from tate on each of our backs. my acura and an old ford pickup are in the background. our backlit, touselled hair is blown gently to the left edge of the picture. we're all laughing.

i was already seventeen, but i look so young in the picture. like a kid grinning up at an adult for approval. what happened between then and now? it's been less only two years, but i feel like i've grown up so much since then. grown so quickly, so quickly.

i huddle close as the last of the warmth slips between my fingers......

it's late. i should unpack. i should study. i should program. i need a place to put my violin.

the weekend is over. and all i have to remember it by is a crushed rose petal.

i'm back in austin. i'm starting to feel cold again. doubt sets in. wild maybes are chased away. what if...? what if...? what if...?

i feel....content. confused by it, perhaps. but content. i want to shout. i want to dance. i want to feel this way forever. i want it to last a lifetime.

oh mah gawd! where do i begin? i got up today expecting to have fun at cys. boy was i wrong. i had the best fucking time of my life!

the best part i think was the people. rob, leo, and wilson from college. rose, ann, patrick, and vincent from cyc. june, becky, kevin, bryan, and so many more from cys. and all these new friends! like patrick. and like chuck. (whose handwriting i can't read, so i don't know if i'm spelling his name right or not.)

after all the frantic work and freaking out was over and done with, i donned a cloak, smeared my face with blood, grabbed my scythe, and stood in a corner, ready to scare the crap out of little kids. oh my god, can those kids scream and run! i've never had more fun in my life scaring the kids! now rose....she embarassed me on her blog, but i guess it's okay. i think it's kinda funny, actually. i think she was more cute than scary as a (purportedly) insane witch. ~_^

i feel sorry for the janitors who have to wash the silver pentagram off the floor with turpentine......

afterward, to tan tan! food was good, company was better. june and i swing danced in the parking lot. me and wilson and june and leo tried to go to xiao may's but it was closed. we lounged about at suhzi's tea house until they kicked us out at 11, and then sat about in the lot, listening to music blasted from my car. june and i danced in the parking lot again. ^_^

so many new things today, so many things i've not felt in so long. warmth?