rise and shine. the scene is still in my head. i'm standing alone in darkness with nothing but the clothes i am wearing and a pen in my hand. i am holding the point to my left wrist. in one swift motion, i plunge it down, down, through, until it is hanging lewdly out from both sides of my arm. it hurts, so i cry out. the throng of people gathered about me in the moonlight are shouting at me, beaning me with slurs and death threats.

then one of them decides to up the stakes. i feel the stone impact the side of my head, and everything goes swimmy. more and more stones are thrown, from all sides. i cast about weakly for any sign of help. but my friends are all standing in the same crowd. some of their faces bear shame, some impassiveness, some concern. but they take no action. by the time he comes and angrily stops the crowd, i'm sobbing from the stones and bleeding from the horrible, hurtful words. he offers me his hand, but all i want to do is crawl away and die....

"If ever you need to use this as a part of some kind of judgement on my life as a whole, kindly disregard that last page."
— from my journal

Raging Aardvark: i wish you the best / to you my friend roopa-chan / don't get yourself killed
Rsilverain: not killed maybe sleep/take over and banish me/place of no study
Raging Aardvark: not studying woot / though if i take this action / i will surely fail
Rsilverain: hehehehe
Raging Aardvark: hehehehehe / hahahahahahaha / hohohohoho
Rsilverain: you are sillypoo/I am even more silly/I fear no leaving
Raging Aardvark: god what have we done / to the respectable name / of literature?
Rsilverain: hahahahaha/you make a very good point/and i am laughing
Raging Aardvark: oh this is too much / i fear i must record this / on receptacle
Rsilverain: then other people/will read our silly haikus/never speak to us

"Fucking is direct. Loving is direct. Fucking someone you love requires balance, ingenuity, and sacrifice. It is often possible, but it is rarely easy. It's an act as beautiful and dangerous as acrobatics."
— rated xx

eight in the morning. just got back from breakfast with mike and vijay, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a smile. well, except for those pants things, and shoes. but i really wanted to say that. it's friggin cold out there. i could see my breath as i shivered back from jester main concourse.

i remember one time, i was walking back from guitar class, and there were a group of early elementary school kids lining up to get onto a bus. it was a cold day, and one's breath would mist up, like today. they were all playing with their great discovery, pretending they were smoking cigars. on the one hand, it's a great feeling to watch their naiveté. but on the other hand, cigars? okay, that was weak. gimme a break, it's eight in the morning. i used "caughten" as the past participle of "caught" over breakfast.

gotta get some sleep before john and alford come over....

i cut off my picks today. well, i trimmed the nails on my right hand. they were nice as fingerpicks, but it was getting to the ludicrous point where i can't even hold a pencil for my three hour finals. i never understood how women with long fingernails write. maybe it's an inherent behaviour embedded in the the extra X gene? don't know. at any rate, my fingerpicking now sounds horrible. it sounds weak, muted, and faltering. oh well. i'll just have to wait till they grow out again, probably after finals.

went to mars today and picked up some sheet music. you were meant for me, crazy for this girl, and drops of jupiter. i'm hoping the last one will finally get mike interested in his synthesizer. i hope. maybe.

i kicked my cs final's ass from here to pink iguana. i hope that will make up for all the assignments i missed. i really want an A in that course.

i have chapped lips. comes from that chinese gene for dry skin. it really starts acting up in cold weather. some time last week i remember waking up and looking into the mirror to see that my lower lip was bloody. i bought myself some chapstick, but i'm usually too lazy to take it out of my backpack and use it. i guess i should do so now. i remember i used to have really dry skin, especially on the arms and legs. this was back when i was a cute little boy, not the long-haired warbling freak i've somehow managed to become. i remember on those cold nights in january and february, my skin would be extremely white and dry, especially after showering. it would have a certain reptilian look to it. my mom would insist that i use some lotion to keep my skin moist.

i wonder why we do this. we insist that kids take care of even minor problems, when we ourselves wouldn't give it a second thought. we would eat and sleep poorly with the flu in favor of cramming for a major test. but should a child have a minor cough, it is cause for distress. who are we to preach grave attention to health, if we don't take care of our own?

an affirmation:

Raging Aardvark: call up some friends
Raging Aardvark: celebrate life
Raging Aardvark: sing at the top of your lungs
Raging Aardvark: dance on top of cars
Raging Aardvark: do cartwheels in parking lots
Raging Aardvark: chase birds
Raging Aardvark: write a song
Raging Aardvark: write an essay
Raging Aardvark: eat ice cream
MeatyTofu: i think those are only temporary fixes
Raging Aardvark: the trick is to submerge yourself in that state of mind permanently until the time comes to be at peace with yourself
MeatyTofu: ...fool yourself?
Raging Aardvark: no: whether or not you are truly content does not dictate whether or not you can have fun. life is but a string of moments: exploit each one.

Raging Aardvark: *sticks out tongue*
sibyleris: is that supposed to be a come-on? +laugh+ oh boy. maybe i need to sleep

Glacius17: you know whyi like wrestling
Glacius17: because its the only time i can watch men in speedos and no one will think im weird
Glacius17: drooling is natural

*note: this is his roommate pretending to be him

woke up this morning at 1230. an hour after i told myself i'd wake up. as i put in my contacts, i could see that my eyes were crimson. i need to sleep more, study more, quit worrying, and eat right. i need to tear a chunk out of my brain and shove it into the incinerator. i need to whining about society or the neighbors or the frailties of human and start grasping the reins of destiny.

"Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight"
— Jewel, from You Were Meant For Me

word association at ungodly hours in the morning with mike, vijay, and joe. it left me feeling depressed and tired as shit. there were so many times when one word would trigger an emotion or memory that i didn't want known, so i'd just keep my mouth closed and let someone else take it. i feel empty; i feel light; i feel lost. i'm still searching for that shaft of yellow hope that can lead me there....

i walked into the hall to get a drink from the fountain, and wondered who was making popcorn at five in the morning. i went to the bathroom, and realized that it was my suitemates. when i'm talking to my friends online, i have an incredible urge to write stuff like
if (energy <= 0)
{ patrick.removeContacts();
   patrick.brushTeeth(aquafresh);
   patrick.goToSleep(8am);
}

why must society construct stereotypes? things would be so much easier if they didn't exist. i need to write rose back. she emailed me on friday, and i've been too lazy to write back. i am who i am.

i want to cry out to the world: show me!
knowing i'm alive is tasting blood on my lips.
uncertainty is one headlight by the wallflowers.
uncertainty is dinner with my friends.
knowing i'm alive is gagging on secondhand smoke.
uncertainty is a java textbook on an ill-lit balcony.
knowing i'm alive is shivering in the cold.
uncertainty is matt damon in good will hunting.
knowing i'm alive is screaming to eve 6 at the top of lungs.
uncertainty is my roommate still asleep at five in the afternoon.
knowing i'm alive is the pain that resides somewhere below the surface.
uncertainty is moans of my neighbor's girlfriend slicing through the thin wall.
uncertainty is pornspam.
knowing i'm alive is a book of photographs.
knowing i'm alive is wanting to cry while my suitemates are laughing next door.
uncertainty is britney spears.
knowing i'm alive is ripping off my headphones in the middle of a game of hyperchess.
uncertainty is playing guitar at two in the morning.
uncertainty is the autographed poster of dexter freebish next to my monitor.
knowing i'm alive is a phone call from my brother, just to say hi.
uncertainty is a popup window.
uncertainty is the expression, "that's so gay."
knowing i'm alive is the hot wheels car on my stereo.
uncertainty is a bag of goldfish on my dresser.
knowing i'm alive is dancing on top of robert's car in the starbucks parking lot.
knowing i'm alive
                            is sitting
                                                 in my
                                                                      room
                                                                                                   alone.

went to study with rob and kat at barnes and noble today. it didn't work out. rob puffed one of kat's cigarette's, and nearly died coughing. i told him that if i'd kick his ass if he took up smoking, and kat backed me up. i wasn't kidding, either. rob left at nine; kat and i went to the presidential lounge at the union. we had frosties. she's more giggly than she'll ever admit.

i should eat. i haven't eaten in about 22 hours, but i'm not particularly hungry. i just know that i should ingest something. i have to wait for mike though, so we can go do dinner. i've cycled out sinfest on the navbar to the left, and put in real life. i also finally got around to adding ann. sorry, ann.

rose is the pasta ninja. if you're good, she'll hide in waiting in a box through the postal system to deliver homemade pasta to you.

an annoying thing about our shower is that the control handle breaks off when you're trying to shut it off. i remember the first time i took a shower here at the beginning of the semester, it broke off, and i yelped, "shit!" while desperately trying to fix it. joe laughed at me.

i learned how to play good riddance by green day. i love that song. i'm still trying to get the singing right while fingerpicking the guitar part. vijay finally got some time to mess around on his new electric: it sounds wonderful. i'm going to keep going on the acoustic though. i mean, there's a lot of very good electric songs, and there's so much room for effects on the electric, but i just love the sound of the acoustic.