robert managed to do it again today. he IMed me right when i got up, while i was in an alarming state of undress and ask to be let into jester. he came over, played video games while i showered, and then went to lunch with me.

i don't think i've ever really had that deep a conversation with anyone in a very, very long time. we sat about in jester cafeteria, philosophizing about life, about fate, about people. what it meant to determine one's fate. what it meant to know another person. and, strangely enough, i found myself taking an optimistic view of everything. somehow, through all this shit that i've gone through these past three weeks, i've found a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. even in the darker moments, i am able to hang onto hope with grim determination. and....that's enough, isn't it?

went to the archery tournament. man, i really sucked. oh well...at least i got to go to freebirds afterwards! that's some good burrito. ^_^

it just dawned on me that most of my friends who keep a blog hold entire conversations over their blogs. i don't know why i don't do that. in fact, i really don't think i'd do it, even if i were pressured to. maybe it's my view that this little corner of the internet is dedicated completely to my own thoughts. i do this for me; other people visiting and reading it is completely non-essential and can be regarded as a fortunate side effect. oh well. if someone were to look for a response or comment or whatever from me, he'd do better talking to me over aim or in person.

went and picked up my guitar again today. it's been so long since i've actually played it diligently like i did today. it was fun, vijay and i played the guitar parts while robert sang leaving on a jet plane. now that was gratifying. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. ^_^ i think i've almost gotten the hang of barre chords. i can almost shift into F in run, by collective soul. with a little practice, i should be good enough.

vijay is evidently going to get an electric guitar. he'll have it easy then, not having to press down so much, like i have to on my steel string acoustic. man, it's going to be so great once he does, and we are both proficient. and once mike gets good at his synthesizer, and joe brings up his drums, we'll be set! all we'll need is a singer....

i am definitely going to bring back my guitar for christmas, and maybe even thanksgiving. i've learned a few songs that my dad would absolutely love. old songs like leaving on a jet plane and five hundred miles. i plan on bringing it to our camping expedition. even though i'm still not very good, it'll still be fun. everyone else will get to laugh at my piddly guitar-playing skills. i'm afraid to start playing around rose, though. she could probably show me up so good on the guitar....

my archery tournament is tomorrow. i'm going to do so poorly. i shot a 206 today from 12 meters today. i really didn't think i'd be able to break 200. at one point, i was eleven points down, but i somehow managed to pull my score back up in the last three ends or so. then i tried shooting at tournament distance, 18 meters. man, i really sucked. half the time, i didn't even hit the target face. oh well, at least it's a novice tournament. still, i'll be shooting against vijay. he actually got recruited for the UT archery team! i'm so excited for him!

and now i'm sitting here with very sore fingers from playing so much guitar today, and nothing to do but blog. michael's gone to sleep, vijay is going very soon too. joe's about to take his shower and go to sleep as well. i'm too sore to play guitar today. so i eat my food from home and blog.

"Life is a waterfall
We're one in the river
And one again after the fall"
— System Of A Down, from Aerials

mmm...first rule of dorm living: you can add anything to ramen. anything. i had a sandwich with teresa at about 645 this evening, so i got hungry again at night. a bowl of ramen, with pork and spinach from home is a great treat.

i did my dishes today. i was very impressed with myself. i had forgotten all about my dishes, and vijay started complaining that the sentient plant cultures growing in it were attacking him while he was trying to take a shower. so i guess i had to do them sooner or later. oh well....

so what now? i think i'm getting better, but everything is still.... i watched robert poke people today at his fencing tournament. amusing, that. then i came back, took a nap, and beat legend of zelda. yeah, the original one.

sorry if this is boring. i'm just so blah right now. nothing interesting has happened recently.

i will be very surprised if anyone actually reads my last post. i don't really mind, cuz hey, this is first and foremost something for myself.

man. i've gone four days without blogging. i think that's a record.

i had quite a weekend. rob, resa, and i were originally going to go up to dallas, to a little lake out there, but the plan fell through. so instead we went back to houston. my xiao mei drove us. ^_^ i guess the main purpose was to go see a fortune teller out in chinatown. so of course i was nervous. i mean, i had some pretty important questions i wanted to ask him.

i've lost a lot of weight over the last two weeks. i knew that mom would say something about it. so i wasn't surprised when, during a lull in the conversation over dinner friday night, she said, "my little boy's lost weight" just like she always does. i think she knows something's up, but won't ask me. i think she doesn't want to intrude or something, or she's waiting for me to tell her myself. last time dad called, he was concerned, too. when i told him that things were all right, he asked me if there was anything that wasn't all right. parental units must be more perceptive than i thought.

i went upstairs to my room and measured myself on my bathroom scale. 125. lost ten pounds. i really should eat. i'm concerned about the ribs and shoulder bones i can feel just by running my fingers down my back. i've forced myself to go to the cafeteria with my friends, but i somehow always fall short of forcing myself to eat. ends up being a waste of money.

i stayed up a bit, but not very late. i had a chat with christina, and another one with becky. it's getting easier and easier to talk to people. thank you both.

saturday. what a blast. woke up early to have breakfast with my mom. croissants and doughnuts from this little shop on williams trace near lexington. and then off to richmond state school for the annual painting of the christmas things. the car ride there was nice. i got to talk to becky face to face for the first time in a long, long time. i remember now why i like her so much. she's such a great person to talk to. always kind, always empathic, and always looking to make you feel better. the painting was done mostly in the cobalt silence of the stereo, as we worked alongside each other. myself, becky, patrick, becky's dad, and two guys i don't know.

lunch with jen was a failure: she was in las vegas and hung over. decided to celebrate her 21st birthday a week and a year early. so we drove back to chinese school and hung about, doing nothing at all. about one or so, i went over to the fortune teller's place to wait for my number to be called. robert, resa, kev, tim, and ronnie showed up presently. the time drew near; i could not concentrate on my bio text. teresa and kevin went in and came out, teresa with flowers and kevin with a disturbed look on his face. tim went in, came out. i didn't pay any attention to him. robert went in. i was next. the bell rang. i went in, and robert was there to offer me moral support.

what was i expecting? not this. the room was cluttered, but comfortable. his hands worked furiously at the mass of cards stacked and splayed before him, while his calm voice fired off statement after statement in rapid succession. facts were stated, the past was revealed, and prophecies were made. so quickly, i found myself looking at his ageless face, trying to respond to, "what are your questions?"

i guess i went in hoping for a quick fix, for some way to clear up all the clutter in my mind. but i realize now that even if he did give me some magic potion to down, i wouldn't have taken it. life's not meant to be dealt with that way. we have to blaze our own path through the jungle of existance. as it was, he just told me what i needed to be told. what my friends have been telling me, but what i've hadn't found the courage to do yet, that i still haven't had the courage to do yet. "sound advice" is what teresa called it. that's what the fortune teller gave me instead of the quick fix that i so foolishly longed for.

back to chinese school. june and leo were there, and both bored. we wanted to go do something, but there wasn't anything to do until dinner or something. plus, rose was out shopping with ann. so we had to wait for rose to get back anyway. in the meantime, i sat around watching ben tutor june in precal, and cheuck play magic. i really need to remember to bring my decks back next time, so that i can get my old school ass beaten in a few games of magic. cheuck told me about renfest as i was initiated into system of a down on his discman. i really wanted to go this year, but the halloween festival fell on the same day as vijay and michael's trip to renfest. i don't regret it though. finally, june, robert, leo, and i decided to leave. somehow robert managed to break cheuck's discman by touching it. that boy's seriously the antitech.

we got to leo's house. a poking war and all sorts of other things ensued. rose arrived. i don't think i've ever felt so uninhibited, so crazily drunk on life that anything goes. we went to jack's grill, with rose riding with her head out the sunroof. dinner. we ate, and then went off to purchase truth or dare jenga while singing showtunes and whatever came on the radio. jenga wasn't vulgar enough. so instead, we went to starbucks. i had a tall decaf raspberry mocha chip frappuchino. it's been so long since i've had one of those. jen called me on my cell, just like the fortune teller said. not the jen who was in las vegas, but my cousin. it was fun, i introduced her to all my friends. afterwards, we went out to robert's car, opened some doors and the sunroof, and blasted music. we danced and sang in the parking lot, did butterfly kicks, swing danced, and generally put on a good show for the starbucks patrons, until the security guard kicked us out a good hour and a half or so later.

back to leo's place. while the other four ran around trying to smell poor bryan (leo's little brother), i got a call from christina. it's been such a long time since i heard her voice. we talked for probably the better part of an hour. then, after visiting marcus's birthday party, we went home. i fell asleep immediately.

sunday. wake up around 11 or so. have a huge feast for lunch. mom's cooking is second to none. she told me that dad went to the fortune teller before, too. he told him that his sons would be good to him. i was overcome by emotion. lucky for me that the phone rang then, and it was for mom. am i a filial son? i hope that i've not let them down. i would despair if they thought ill of me. gomen, tousta.

kim son with teresa's family and robert. swing by ronnie's place, and then pick up leo. drive back to austin. dinner at EZ's. dad called me last night. he told me that he was back in the states again. i just missed him.