there's so much i need to talk to you about, but i don't feel like blogging. i spent all of my creative energies last night, writing a small chunk of the next installment of A Safer Haven. and now i need to pack, since i'm leaving for houston right after my 3 o'clock class. oh what the hell, i'll blog.....

let's see, what should i talk about first? ah, yes. kevin spacey is on campus. i walked by garrison a couple times while they were filming. a lot of lighting crews outside, but that's all i saw. and now it's probably too late to go get him to autograph my copy of pay it forward. i need to get an autograph for jen, too, if i somehow figure out some way to get over there and still make my class and pack. and i refuse to admit that i'm a fanboy.

i need to figure out how to permanantly link posts. sure, it might not be essential, but hell, i'll that much closer to being able to say that i know html.

mike and vij and i have entered into a challenge, as follows:

resolved, that vijay ajit thakkar has unexploited artistic talents, and
resolved, that patrick d yang has unexploited literary talents (so they say), and
resolved, that michael allen crary has unexploited artistic and literary talents,

let it hereby be proclaimed that each of the aforementioned parties shall create one piece of creative work whenever another of the above parties creates one, within four days of presentation to the group. creative talent shall be thereby tapped and matched, on a one-to-one basis.

i'm introducing a new character to the my little story. i'm thinking he may even rise to the rank of a main character. maybe. if i feel like it. if the story goes that way.

time for me to go pack and mob kevin spacey.

1245. awoke from a nap to the sounds of the people across the hall having sex. jeez. if you're going to do that, at least keep it down.

Raging Aardvark: i think my muse got anthrax and died
Boggboy: hahah. Spiritual Anthrax. When the terrorists come up with *that* one, then we can throw in the towel.
Raging Aardvark: as for now, we'll just wring it out and snap it at their butts

and i will quote katrina, ever eloquent:

"memories of the long drives: carlights strobing through the rails. that sudden freefall inside when you realize you'll never appreciate things until after they're over and irretrievably lost. realizing that time goes too fast. daydreaming is a way to spend the hours in the car. idling as you rush down the deserted highways, becoming a blur, a bodiless why."

2327 hours. stranded in the depths of jester, i have been forced to fashion a crude ironing board out of a large board and a cotton bedsheet. gah. i'd much rather use a high tensile synthetic polymer cloth, but one must do with what he can get his hands on, in such conditions.

2333 hours. i have acquired a small spray bottle and a heated steel surface. they taunt me now, but they wouldn't be, had i my autosteaming iron.

2339 hours. i have managed to trap and disable a young van heusen button-down. i was lucky to have found one naïve enough to hang about his grazing grounds at this hour. however, i fear that its cries will have alerted the mother.

2351 hours. just as i finished ironing the shirt, the maternal instincts of the mother blazer has led it to its young. overwhelmed by its massive wrinkles, i have been forced to scatter and regroup. perhaps i shall set a shower steam trap. it was a beautiful specimen, and bound to turn a nice profit.

"my sunlight is crumpled and faded, but it's still there."
— rose

"I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could live for no one else
But now, through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
the ones you love mean more than anything

So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all, and leave forever
What's done is done, it feels so bad
What once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again, my world is ending

I wish that I could turn back time
'Cuz now the guilt is all mine
Can't live without the trust from those you love.
I know we can't forget the past
You can't forget love and pride
Because of that, it's killing me inside.

It all returns to nothing
It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
It all returns to nothing
I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down

In my heart of hearts,
I know that I could never love again
I've lost everything
everything
everything that matters to me,
matters in this world"

— Komm, Süsser Tod, a song from Evangelion

*sigh*.....my writing really sucks. i just posted the next installment of a safer haven, but i'm sure that was the worst writing i've done in a long, long time. i wish i could write as well and as much as michael.

hey kids, it's time for patrick's bad poetry corner! yayyyy!

swerve: a haiku
stopping at the sign
woman cuts in front of me
my right of way, bitch

MeatyTofu: are you worried about the job market in the next few years.... namely, the years that affect us the most, in the wake of all this economic turmoil and crap about war?
Raging Aardvark: no. i refuse to recognise the problem
MeatyTofu: no problem?
MeatyTofu: with the economy or the war?
Raging Aardvark: of growing up

*sigh*...... solo, you make me sad......

i'm eating ramen again. well, not ramen really, but dried pho. it comes in a bowl with a seasoning packet, a dried chives packet, and a spicy oil packet. the oil packet has some kinda licorice extract in it, so it tastes really nasty. i always throw that away.

i added canned eel into this batch. last time i did that, michael was staring absolutely fascinated by the eels floating around in my soup. he'd just come over to my desk and stare at it. he'd make comments such as "you can even see the little backbones...weird..." i thought it was pretty funny.

last night, i walked back from chipolte with rob and mike. as we wondered through the darkness, we came across littlefield fountain, transfigured. the entire lower pool had been covered with a layer of soapsuds. the bubbles caught the streetlamps, glistening.... a million points of light rode the crests and troughs of the fountain.....

such is human life.....

on the other hand, i had a lot of fun tonight with my newly acquired magnetic pickup lines set. here's what i've come up with so far:

in my dreams you die
if you were as good as the nice girl last night
what's a laser doing in your drink?
didn't i see you moon me?
a piece of your eyes is missing
hey baby ever light up?

*sigh* i got absolutely nothing done this weekend.......

i've worked out my schedule for next semester, and i'm in for the semester from hell. 22 hours of class time for 13 credit hours.

CH302 - intro to chem II (3 hrs lecture)
CH204 - chem lab (1 hr lecture, 1 hr discussion, 4 hrs lab)
PHY317L - intro to physics II (3 hrs lecture)
PHY117N - physics lab (3 hrs lab)
BIO 325 - genetics (3 hrs lecture, 1 hr discussion)
PED103L - ballroom dancing (3 hrs)

i guess it's a good thing that i've got my classes spread around such that i have four to five hours each day. but still, that's a LOT of stuff....*whimper*

the new layout looks great, rose!

all right! the guestbook is up! i don't know how i did it, but i somehow fixed the format. wahoo!!!

i apologise for the two links up top that don't work. as soon as i figure out how to get the format on those pages to match the one on this page, i'll put the guestbook up.

it's been such a long time since i last posted here. a whole three days. but nothing has happened in my life. far, far too much nothing since friday. i told you that i was playing mage, but to IM me if you needed to. but i shouldn't have done that. you took it as a polite way to say, "go away, i'm busy." i should have had the good sense to realize what you'd do. gomendosai....

i've been thinking a lot on what could have been, if i hadn't built my walls so high, or if you hadn't done the same, onii-kun. what then? would i be regretful? would you have searched harder for a job here in texas? would i still have to ramble on about nothing at all over the phone, while you listen politely? i want to find out, but i'm too afraid to try.

you're wrong, robert. it's so easy to be someone you're not, when you're talking to them face to face. all you have to do wear that face that you keep by the door. to so many people, i'm laughing, manic, and a little eccentric. to everyone who sees me every day. because it's too much to bare your feelings while someone you know, someone whom you don't want to think ill of you, to be disappointed in you, is looking straight at you. when you can feel his eyes boring right into the heart of hearts that you are laying before him. what if he's disgusted? what if you let down his expectations? i don't think that i could live with seeing it in their eyes.

robert wrote, "On AIM, no one needs to know how you feel, unless you let them. It’s so easy to hide. Charles told me that it was the reason that he no longer had any important conversations on AIM, because it was too easy for the other person to mask their emotions." it's so different for me. sure, i can wear the same mask online, but at least when i'm hiding behind the keyboard, i don't have to feel those eyes, passing judgement as i speak. i can let people see who i am, instead of carrying on the farce i usually do.

i think all the deeply personal conversations i've had were done online, except for one. and that one, with my xiao mei, it was so damn hard. i can remember looking at my hands and angrily trying to control the shaking. but i couldn't. nor could i keep my breath from coming unravelled at the edges.

that's probably why. there've been so many times that i've cried when i'm talking to my friends online, but i've never had a friend cry on my shoulder, or cry on someone else's. because i'm too afraid of that power, that consuming connection i get from my friends when speak in person. i bathe myself in that power, but i still can't take it in its pure, unadulterated form. i have to take it filtered through the net.

maybe some day i won't be so afraid anymore........

"I'm just trying to find a decent melody...."
— U2, from Stuck In A Moment